Do you remember?

So this is probably the last blog I'm ganna post up. Probably. If things don't get better. It's just funny how everything revolves around you all the time. Like all my blogs are about you. Funny don't you think? Well, I'm in tears I can't stop. It's just weird to me how things change so quick. I know it's not me. But surprisingly it's you. Like wow babe. I didn't know you would be like this honestly. I knew somethings were ganna be bad but I didn't know it was ganna be this bad. Like, remember all those times back then? It wasn't even that long ago. Just thinking about it puts this smile on my face. Memories. I love them. Especially if their with you. I'm so emotional lately. My hearts fucking up. Problems and drama come up. Things aren't just the same. Like it's stupid in a way you know? Like why? Love is love. It's greater than the distance. Love overcomes doesn't it? But if we don't get through this then I'll know for sure that this isn't what it seems. Even just thinking about it hurts my heart. It's literally driving me crazy. Not even your voice could make me forget. I don't want you to be like other girls you know? I want you to know that you have something good to hold on too. I don't want other guys treating you the way I treat you. Cause I can do it better than the rest. I just want you to realize that. You told me you "open your eyes and it's time to realize" right? Something like that? Did you open your eyes baby? Or do you want to take advantage of my love? Or are you just confused. Your not even like yourself anymore. It's weird and it hurts cause I can't even make you smile like I used to. I feel so worthless now. Like I shouldn't even belong here or something. I told you without you I'd be nothing. I meant it. I told you your my life and I would die. I meant that too. Everything that I said. I meant it. From my heart. It just hurts to know things are starting to fall piece by piece. But I'm always trying to be the hero and save it all. Catching every piece that breaks right? I always lose though. I'm not trying to let this one slip though. Not this one. Not you. Your something different. And I want that. Your something that I just gatta have or I'm not ganna be myself. You were there for me since the beginning. Right from the start. It was always you. "Booboobear" "Butterbisquit" remember? Webcamming when you had the time. Late night phone calls and laughs. Smiles that would still be on your face the next morning. Making everything better. Just waiting to see each other. And when it does. Love was 10x stronger than before. I'm I right? Don't even say "I don't know" cause I know you do. Sorry. Just remember all those memories. And just know they can all happen again. Lancaster.....you got some shit on me. I can't wait to be up there and make everything better for the both of us. Mostly for you. Keeping you happy is still my number one priority. I just want you to be happy with me. And no one else. I'm greedy for you love. What else can I say? Almost 6 months. I hope we can still talk about how excited we are about it like we use to. Half a year of your loving baby. Half a year with you in my life. Why stop now? It's meant to be. I hope you see that. I love you. Keep my heart close. Cause I'm still holding on yours. Even with all these tears down my face. I'm still holding on. Cause I know. In the end. This is all ganna pay off. And before you know it. I'm ganna ask you to marry me. I hope you say yes when I do. Regardless. I am. Pinky Promise with a Thumb Kiss. I hope you read this and see how I feel. Cause I think you don't fully understand me yet. I know I'm complicated at times. I'm trying to make it easier. That's why I spill my heart out to you. Plus I love you, trust you, need you, always. My angel who saved me from everything. My love for the rest of my life. I hope you realize and wake up. This isn't over. It's just another bump for us to pass over. Hand in hand. In each others heart. For the rest of our lives. Your everything to me. Your my world. I love you. <3 9.24.09

“Never trade something good for something new”

Soooooooo I hope you know I write all these blogs about you. Just read them all and I'm pretty sure you'll understand how I feel. I don't care if you read them this weekend or in the next year or two. I just want you to know and understand. I don't know why your doing me like this honestly. Its like breaking my heart so little at a time. Like sticking a knife through it slowly though....FUCK MAN I got heart problems too wtf? FUCK I'm ganna die early from this shit. Doctor said no stress or it'll cause more pain. Fuck. I knew it. Anyways. It's this slow pain that your giving me. I can't explain it but I'll try to yeah? You put me through this shit and say you love me. Like if you love me you wouldn't have done it in the first place you know? Like you would of thought about it before you did something with "him". Unthinkable, regretful, painful. Hate me, make me, break me. Choice is all yours baby. You know that I'm ganna love you. Unconditionally. Always. Forever. My whole lifetime I will I bet you. No one is ganna take your spot and no one is ganna replace you I bet that. If I just see you walking I'm a come and try to holla at you :] as long as it would keep a smile on your face. I don't wanna write much. I'm not ganna sleep. I just wanna stare at the stars. Answer my prays please? Can all my wishes come true? Make it happen for me baby. Your too good to let go of. Let my title says “never trade something good for something new” don't let me be replaced yeah? Find a place in your heart for me to always stay in? I'll always love you baby. Your just making it hard on us. Just don't let me go. Cause I didn't. Duece duece I'm out.

I can't sleep

Cause you want to end it. I love you and you love me. We're in love. But still you wanna end it. Cause you hurt me so much? I can take the pain. I've been through a lot. And trust me a lot. I think I can handle this. But you have my heart. And you said I have yours. We spoke of all our dreams and fantasies just waiting for them to happen, together. It's a love that's not suppose to have an ending. It's a love that's suppose to last even after were no longer on this Earth. It'll never die. And neither will this relationship. Or our feelings, memories, thoughts, and dreams. Nothing is going to be forgotten. Not even my promises to you. I'm still keeping all of them. My last and only relationship. For the one and only girl that makes me feel like I'm someone worth seeing or even knowing. Everything is all for you. And only you. Don't let this die. It's forever. Remember? Always and Forever. Don't let this die. Keep it strong with me yeah? I'm done writing. It's 4 and I'm tired. But I can't sleep. I'll reminence about us and all our memories. I'll even dream about our future. As long as I get to see your beautiful smile and as long as I get to know that your waiting for me. I'm perfectly fine. Right now. I'm lost cause of you. Just tell me. Don't keep me waiting. I love you Julissa Mayura Loy with all my heart and soul. My one and only baby. The girl of my dreams. I don't want to lose you. Cause this would be a heartbreak, that'll never heal.

Monday 15 2010
I'm fucking trippin right now. I woke up and I swear everytime I close my eyes all I'm getting are these fucking nightmares. And about what? Drama, fights with family, running away from nothing, finding something and most of all losing you. Wtf is wrong with me right now?....really what is it? Can you give me an answer?..I really can't go through this alone. Not without you.

Monday Night Venting

Soooooo me and Julissa aren't on the phone tonight D: sucks balls -___- plus shes in a bad mood......dam period. Why did it have to be the time of the month alreadyyy!!!!!!??!?!?!?!??!?! Omg haha it's cool. It's ganna go away soon. Well lemme get to the point yeah? On to my weekend that just passed. Uhmm....yeah how do I even put this into words? You cheated on me...? Like...lemme just write everything I have to on this and I won't even think about it ever again. So...Saturday night right? Bao just called me to see if I wanted to hit up the club with Kevin and shit but I was like nahh cause I wanted to be on the phone with Julissa. And like the whole day we didn't even talk like it was already bad. But around what 7? Is what was worse. She's txting me telling me she's sorry? Sorry for what though? Like I just thought she was sorry for earlier that day....but then it just kinda hit me. She didn't even have to tell me and I already knew..I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy or anything..but dam. I never knew it was ganna be her you know? Like it really hurts. But I'm strong enough to put it to the side to work on us. But still it finds a way to come back at me. I mean that was like the 6th time that ever happened to me. I usually break it off right on the spot. But I couldn't even find the words to say it to her. Cause I wanted to actually make this last. I don't wanna break my promises you know? It just bothers me. Like what was going through her mind? Did she really hate me? Was she even thinking about me at the time? Like what happened to the love and all that? Can I even trust her again....what if she does do it again? I'm I just a sucker for love and sweet words? Or is this something real? Give it time Nara give it time.....woosaah? Nah not working. It's like I'm talking to an imaginary friend right now holy shit. It's whatever no one really reads my blogs anyways so idgaf. But besides that I still have love for her feel what I'm saying? Like I'm too deep in love to even fall out of it. Not now. Not ever. I still love you baby <3 Don't worry about anything.
But besides all that shit Sundayyy boyy. Family time. It was aight honestly me and Euhan chilled the whole time. And I seen my ex......and her older sister was mean muggin' me LMFAO funny ass shit. I told Euhan to duck and run with me LOLOL but yeah I bought mad clothes 2 shirts 2 flannels and a fitted....that's not even a lot now thinking about it LMFAO but it added mad space in my closet like I swear I don't even wear 65 percent of the clothes in there...I need to..don't you think? Lol. But yeah after that went to go pick up some Arbys and then after I ate I got to drive xD. I swear I drove around the school like 20 times and I got to drive home LOL But I did pretty decent. Well I think so. I'm getting the hang of it haha. Easy peezy lemon squeezy LMFAO gayyyyyy xP but yeah and my mom mentioned me going away for spring break cause she already knows I want to. Just gatta bring my grade up and I'm straight. I can do it. I got the power bitch LMFAO. But blah blah blah Lancasterrr here I come! I miss Linda too. With her bitchy ass forreal. And especially my grandma :/ and Julissa's grandma too :[ dam...I gatta thing for old people don't I? Lmao it's cool though. But ehhhhhmmmmm that's pretty much all I gotta get off my chest. WAIT! Half a year is coming up <3 But I'll mention that in another post. Haha well I'ma lay in bed and talk to Julissa's moody ass LMFAO I love you baby! Night peace and love.

I gatta get my shit straight

Sooooooo whatsgood? Haha I haven't done this in a long ass time don't you think? Time to get started shall we? March 6th 2010 mothafuckaaaa. At exactly 12:02 haha. Well anyways I just got off the phone with babyyyyy :D but she gave me an attitude? Like wtf. But its cool. It don't bother me much honestly haha. Hmmmmmm where should I even start....school yeah? So school gotten like mad fucking hard ever since that snow storm came in. Like a week of no school, that deff put me out the mood for school. I was getting use to going to school ever since the end of Christmas break but since that happened it ruined it. Like shit. Plus we gatta make up 2 days of it in June? Fuck that LOL I ain't going to school in June. Fuck outttaaaa here nigga. June 1st is the start of my summer vacation. But yeah lemme start with English class first. It's fucking dumbasfuck. Mr. Altman is so fucking confusing and his expectations are so high for us. Like wtf were in academic english 11 not honors. Giving us a 5 page research essay and expecting us to do it while we work on fucking poems? Like are you fucking kidding me? We could of at least spent a couple days to work on it or you could of at least help us on it. That class is always ganna be the same to me though. I'm never ganna get the hang of it. At least I'm passing it though. But SAT/Prep is bullshit too. We just talk about stories or memories that were thinking of. Bullshit. I'm there to learn not to know what happened a year and 3 days ago. Ahhhhh fucking Steel Valley gets me irked. It's getting me annoyed even writing about it LOL. But yeah just to sum it up besides all that jazz it's been pretty good. Same shit different day. Uhhhh uhh uhhh school is crossed out, hmmmm how I've been? LOL shit I should of just wrote about that first. But me I've been pretty decent to say the least. '10 been a pretty good year to me so far, no beef, not that much drama or problems going on. It's been runnin' smooth ya know? Hella funny shit happened to but I'll talk about that some other day. Mmmm but yeah fam is still fam same as always. Dad is still misunderstanding. Mom still fronts. Kam is always ganna be the way he is. Amazing how fast he grew up though. He knows how to use the remote LOLOL. But what gets me the most is that me and Euhan grew closer together. Like I remember we always use to fight over the dumbestass shit. But now we just chill and talk. Funny to see how things turn out in the future haha. Friends will always be the same nothing changing in that. I've been going out more though :/ good thing I guess? I just gatta slow my role a bit and I'm good. Uh uh uh school, life, fam crossed out. Mmmmmmm I finally got Xbox live LMFAO! It's been like 3 years since I got it back. I've been having fun though. CODMW2 bitchhhhhh get at me DisDopeKid LMAO I stole that name from Denise LOLOLOL ahhhh but oh yeah! I forgot I've gotten a lot closer with a lot of people at school too. Shittttt....I just zoned out for a good 20mins LMFAO ahhhhhhh fuck what is wrong with me sometimes. I swear I act so weird and dumb when I want without even noticing it until the last moment. I really need to get my shit straight though. I've been slacking.....shit I need to work out too -____- LOL omg the nurse at school tried telling me that I'm 5'5 and I weigh 158? Something like that LMFAO omg I'm 5'7 and I weigh 149....unless I really shrunk 2 inches and gained like 10pounds LOL. FML SHIT haha. I'm like hype. Omg I'm suppose to be bloggin'.
Well lemme finish it up with me and my baby yeah? I love talking about us <3 haha
But everything has been great so far. I mean we talk we laugh we connect but there's those days we have our moments ;/ it's cool though right? April is coming up soon and I'll be there. But yeah we've been good. I don't know what else I can say about it cause I usually repeat myself. Haha but OMG I'm starting to get like the worst hearing when I'm talking to her now -_____- should I tell her? LOLOL I'll tell her. Cause I don't want her saying stuff and me just being like "mmmmm" LOL Wow were something haha but yeah besides that I'm still in love with her <3 Plain and simple to see haha gets to me though how she be having those attitudes and she tries to give them to me LOLOL I just don't wanna say much. Cause I'm ganna be like why you like this blah blah blah and she's ganna be like what are you talking about I'm not even doing anything I'm talking blah blah blah and I'll be like there that's it blah blah blah blah blah etc etc over and over haha. All good for us though. I still don't wanna be without you <3 but I'm ganna end it there for tonight I've pretty much caught up with everything I wanted to say haha. Hella sloppy though. LMFAO "I'ma slomp you" - Julissa HAHA hella funny. But night and sweetdreams ;D

"You took my heart from, and you mean the world to me baby" - Razah : Rain